UNCONDITIONED CHAPTER 21

The Best Decision

My love life was a mess. I was too mired in my own personal anguish of self-loathing to see that while I was attempting in my own ham-handed way to get closer, Thomas’ response to me was designed to keep distance between us. We were on again and off again. I was miserable, but unable to extricate myself from him. The relationship hovered with no direction and Tom was fine with that while I yearned for something to look forward to, to work toward. We spent almost every night together, so it seemed ridiculous to support two separate households. But when I brought up the subject of living together, he’d expound, sometimes for hours, about the theory, psychology, philosophy, gender-based expectations, and the odds of success of intimacy based on socio-economic constraints.

I didn’t want to admit to myself that anxiety over my financial circumstances was behind my desire to cohabitate. This was clear to Thomas, but he never called me on it in any direct way. I should have known by then that it wasn’t the best reason to make such a move. However, I was stressed about not earning enough to save for the future or deal with any emergencies that inevitably would arise. The design business had good months and not such good months, so there were stretches when money was too tight. Living like that meant I constantly played catch-up with bills and had to rely on credit cards to pick up the slack. On top of this, I worried about the probability of a cancer recurrence and numbed myself by drinking too much wine every night.

During this time, I took in one of Jesse’s friends, Mike, who was so out of control, the high school threatened to expel him. I met with the school and his mother, who was at her wit’s end with him, and they agreed to let him stay enrolled if he came to live with me on a trial basis. Mike and Jesse weren’t close friends but had known each other since they were in day care and played hockey together in elementary school. I’d always liked him and really liked his mother, who’d lived downstairs from us when we first left Wayne. I thought maybe we could help.

Assuming all teenage boys were like Jesse, when Mike moved in I laid down some basic rules such as tell me where you’re going, when you’ll be home, no skipping school, no drugs, no drinking. I offered to help with his homework. I made it clear that I needed to trust him and if he did anything to breach that trust, he’d be out. Mike was pleasantly agreeable.

After he was with us for about a week, I had trouble shifting my standard transmission Honda Accord. By this time, Jesse had his license, so I asked if he noticed anything weird with shifting and he agreed it was getting more difficult to get the car into gear, especially reverse. One night I got up in the wee hours to pee and walked by the dresser in the hallway where I kept my car keys. They were gone. I peeked into Jesse’s bedroom. He was fast asleep. Mike wasn’t there. I confronted Mike in the morning, and he said, “Yeah, I’ve been driving your car every night. It helps me relax.”