UNCONDITIONED CHAPTER 45

Skatutakee

When self-care became a priority, a favorite pleasure was swimming in Harrisville Pond, which is in the center of an historic brick mill village near Peterborough. The preferred route was the long way around another lake, Skatutakee, but I couldn’t swim there because it didn’t have a public beach. On the shore were tiny colorful vintage cottages set against a backdrop of a densely wooded ridge. Loons floated on the still surface, or a heron stood in the marshes focused on catching a meal. As I wound around the snaky road, I dreamed of retiring there. It was so peaceful; I could almost hear it whispering my name. Someday, I thought, I’ll settle down for my twilight years on this lake in a cozy home with a stunning view.

One former landlord, Richard, and I weren’t exactly friends, but kept in touch when he returned to the Monadnock Region every summer after a winter of travels. Often, he’d invite me over for dinner to catch up. Typically, it was just the two of us, but a year before Jesse left for university in the Virgin Islands, Richard invited me to a dinner party to meet his Croatian girlfriend, another couple, and a single man. Richard was prickly, but always managed to have upbeat and engaging people around him. Years earlier when I’d met some of them, I had a premonition that through Richard I’d meet someone significant, although this hadn’t crossed my mind when I accepted the dinner party invitation.

I hadn’t gone to a dinner party in a long time, certainly not since I’d taken on the work of healing myself. When I arrived, the other guests were sitting in Richard’s living room, which was open to the kitchen. Introductions were made and I took a seat on the couch. They were all drinking hard liquor or wine while I drank seltzer with lime. Richard was behind the island in the kitchen playing chef in a white apron and toque, brandishing his sparkling Parisian copper cookware while bellowing to two men, Noel and Winthrop, about cement foundations. Richard’s girlfriend, Katya, tiny, exotic and self-contained, was perched on an armchair, spine straight, smile wide, her head bobbing up and down in agreement to everything being said even though (I soon discovered) she didn’t speak English. Noel’s partner, Astrid, was trying to keep up with the men. Because she was being ignored by them, her voice escalated with each of her contributions to the conversation. As I sipped my water I thought, shit, this is going to be a long night. Typically at Richard’s parties, I could count on the women to engage, however after she nodded at me when I arrived, Astrid pretended I wasn’t there. Katya smiled blankly at something only she could see. With no knowledge and even less interest in cement, I sat there observing the performances.