UNCONDITIONED CHAPTER 46
Boundaries
Within three months of dating, Noel proposed. Having been married twice already with no forethought, I wasn’t going to ever do that again. I pointed out there was no need to rush into anything and suggested we get to know each other slowly—the topic could always be revisited in the future. And it was, repeatedly, but I was cautious, protective of my newfound stability and wary of parts of his lifestyle.
Noel’s lake house was beautiful. Perched about forty feet from the shore, it faced west so the sun setting over the lake was the main attraction every evening. I’d expected one of the cute tiny cottages, and was surprised as I drove up a long, private driveway to find a sprawling home and a separate oversized garage. As a boy he’d built the house with his parents and over the years it had morphed from a tiny cottage to a five bedroom, two bath lake house. The interior was rustic with pine paneling that had been milled from the trees cut down to clear the property. Braided rugs, stenciled chairs, restored dry sinks, and caned rockers set a cozy tone, which was made special by the fact that Noel’s parents had done all the restorations and his mother braided the rugs, stenciled and caned the chairs.
The one unfortunate aspect was the crowd.
Noel’s place was party central every weekend. His friends dropped in and stayed for hours, helping themselves to the liquor in his bar and the food in his refrigerator. One was fond of showing up in the middle of the night and making himself at home in a guest room. Although Noel had been divorced for about six years, his ex-wife, Janice, called several times a day with a list of problems for him to solve. My life had become so serene over the past couple of years that I realized how much of an introvert I am and how peace and quiet were essential to my wellbeing. All the hubbub at Noel’s was grating. I secretly thought of his place as The Bad Boundaries Inn.
However, despite the multiple red flags flapping in the breeze, my sense that Noel was right for me persisted. The goings on at his house weren’t to my liking, but I kept that opinion to myself and went home whenever an inkling of exhaustion arose. This party-hearty way of life had become so habitual that Noel couldn’t see how damaging it was. Every so often, as I quietly observed the shenanigans going on around us, he caught my eye and for that moment could see the chaos. Noel is a generous, welcoming, problem-solver who, at the time, drank too much, making him an easy person to take advantage of. I watched as many did just that and decided to give our time together about six months to see what unfolded.
Noel sometimes complained to me, “I have to go into Boston after work to check on Janice’s rental apartments. She got them in the divorce settlement and I’m still doing all the work.”
“Why did you get divorced?”
“She divorced me because she wanted her independence.”
“Has she achieved that?”
“She’ll never be independent.”
This wasn’t exactly a perfect scenario for responding in the affirmative to the continuing marriage proposals and invitations to move in. At about five months in, as I began to think Noel would never let go of his baggage, he told me one night when we were having dinner, “My life isn’t working. I need a better way forward. Will you help me?”
“Of course, I’d love to help you.”
“I don’t know what to do about Janice. She expects me to take care of everything like we’re still married.”
“Do you want to keep solving her problems?”
“No, but I always have. I’m sick of her expecting me to fix her life.”
“Do you think it’s a good thing to eliminate inconvenience for her?”
“No, but that’s what I do.”
“Is it good for you?”
“No.”
“Do you have a choice now that you’re divorced? You told me she wants to be independent. What does that mean?”
Noel had never considered giving himself permission to say no and suddenly a more expansive horizon was visible to him. I was able to share with him what I’d learned from Ferris in similar conversations about my own problems. Noel and I became closer, and gradually he made himself less available to Janice while still being generous and kind to her. By the spring Noel suggested that he sell his place in Tewksbury and move up to the lake house full time so that I could move in with him. My first thought was, no way unless I had my own space, but I didn’t share that. I smiled and said, “Maybe someday, honey.”
The next weekend Noel’s psychic capabilities became apparent, “How about I convert the upstairs of the garage into a studio space for you? It would be all yours as a little retreat so you can have your quiet time. You could make art up there.”
“That might work, maybe,” never expecting anything to come of his offer, I put it out of my mind. However, when I showed up the next weekend, there was a crew crawling all over the garage, “What’s going on?”
“I’m building you an art studio. Come see.”
I thought, wow, this guy is good. I hugged Noel tightly in wonder. The dramatic change that I sensed the morning after our first date was confirmed.
Noel was not like any of my former partners, which was a good thing. However, I was a little apprehensive about Noel and Jesse meeting for the first time. Noel was from a different generation, an executive with a booming voice who liked to do manly man things like cut cordwood on the weekends. He had a collection of heavy machinery and big trucks, and he frequently interrupted his daughter and son to tell them what to do. Jesse was accustomed not only to my being with creative types with no macho agendas, but also to being listened to and engaged in dialogue with them. When Jesse came home for his Christmas break shortly after Noel and I first started dating, Noel came with me down to Logan Airport in Boston to pick him up. Noel was dressed in a suit and full length, dark brown leather coat, which he had bought in Germany when he lived there years ago. At six foot two, in this get-up he was imposing. He was also impatient.
When Jesse’s plane landed, we stood at the gate and watched every single person disembark.
“Is that him?”
“No.”
Is that him?”
“No.”
This exchange continued as each young man entered the airport. Then all was quiet and the attendant at the desk started to pack up.
Noel immediately wanted to speak to an authority figure, but I said, “Just wait a few more minutes.”
Sure enough, Jesse came out blinking in the bright lights. I ran over to him and we embraced.
“Oh Bubby, it’s so great to see you. We were wondering if you were even on the plane.”
He laughed, “Yeah, I fell asleep and didn’t even know we landed. The attendant had to wake me up.”
We both thought this was hilarious, however Noel scowled at Jesse. I introduced them but it was obvious by their body language that neither were impressed. I was still living in my own house so fortunately Jesse had control over how often he wanted to spend time in Harrisville with us.
However by the time Jesse came home in the summer, I had moved in with Noel and rented my house so Jesse had to stay in one of the guest rooms. The posturing continued. Noel tried to boss Jesse around. Jesse listened politely and didn’t respond. Noel also had lots of opinions about how Jesse should behave which he expressed to me. I listened and didn’t respond. Neither of them understood my relationship with the other. The funny thing, though, was that I could see similarities between them: sensitivity, generosity, sweetness, ambition, intelligence, and because both were born under the sign of Cancer, a reverence for home.
One night after Jesse had been with us for a tense month and we sat at the dinner table eating, Noel mentioned he bought a lottery ticket. Jesse said, “So did I!”
Noel challenged, “Do you let the machine pick the numbers?”
“Never. I always pick them myself.”
“Me too!”
“I have a system.”
“So do I.”
A lively conversation ensued about all the tricks each of them had devised to win Megabucks. I’d been hoping for an exchange like this, one where they could finally see some common ground. After this ice breaker, they got to know each other slowly and it began to dawn on each of them that their spirits were more kindred than first impressions implied. Unfortunately, neither ever won Megabucks.
Six years later when Jesse and his fiancé, Regina, were planning their wedding, Jesse made a significant decision. His biological father, Wayne, was a guest-list nightmare—his presence meant drama. I was concerned about how Jesse would handle this, however I didn’t say anything. As if he could read my mind though, Jesse called and said, “Mom, I don’t want Wayne at my wedding and I’m going to tell him I never want to see him again.”
“Wow, Bubby. I’ve also been worried about what might happen if Wayne came.”
“It’d be a shit show and I don’t want him to spoil any minute of my wedding. I’m going to take him out to dinner and tell him how I feel.”
“That’s really courageous of you.”
“You know, now that Noel’s in my life, I understand what it’s like to have a real father and Wayne was never that.”
“Oh, that’s such a beautiful thing to say. We are so fortunate to have Noel in our lives and he loves you like a son.”
“I know, Mom. I’ll tell you how it goes with Wayne after I talk to him.”
It didn’t go well, which confirmed for both of us that Jesse had made the right decision. He asked Noel to be his best man.
Noel changed both my and Jesse’s lives more than I could have imagined possible. When this transformation first started to sink in, I often mentally pinched myself to prove I wasn’t imagining it all. It took a while for me to get comfortable with loving and being loved so fiercely, to believe it could be true. But once I did, qualities that had felt so impossibly out of reach—connection, trust, partnership—were realized. Or, I should say their potential was realized because those things are more fluid than graspable and need to be continually tweaked. As humans, we’re bound to make a mess from time to time. However, happiness is a moment-by-moment option. Because of the work I’d done on my own healing, now I was equipped to fully participate. I understood how earnest intention cultivates seeds of contentment, which generate loving-kindness and motivate reconciliation. I’m living proof that at least some messes aren’t that difficult to clean up when you know how and are willing to put in the effort.
Coming on December 24!
Chapter 47: Vulnerability—The Final Frontier finds a relationship bonding, families blending, and fear surrendering to the courage to speak truth out loud.